It hurts so much. Why? Why did I open up and care? Why didn't I learn last time? Why didn't I see the signs? What is going to happen now? I can't stay here. It hurts so much to even be in the same building as you. You said you care. You said you loved me. That you wanted to be with me. That you would never hurt me. I don't want to hear the it's not you it's me I messed up shit. We both did. And by the time we started communicating to fix it it was too late. You didn't want me anymore. Now I'm here will all the reminders. I can't sleep because I don't feel like home is home anymore. I don't feel safe. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel any number of things that I can't even begin to describe. Every song reminds me of you. Every place I walk past I think of you. I want to be angry. I want to lash out. To hurt you back. To make you show some piece of the pain and hurt that you say this causes you. I'm afraid to come back to the apartment because it is yours and not mine. It has never been mine. It was home because you were there welcoming me and now that is gone. Not gone. Just out of reach. I can't put my arms around you and hold you and tell you I love you anymore. It doesn't mean the same to you as it does to me and you don't show you care about it at all. I feel like everything was just a little white lie even though I know you would just be pissed at me for saying that. I don't know how to tell people. I don't want their pity. I don't want to hear I'm sorry. I don't want to hear I told you so and he's a jerk. I don't want to hear any of it. I just want you back. If not back at least to let me be by your side. I don't even feel like a friend anymore. I just feel like a burden. I'm trying so hard to get out of your life since you are so desperate to push me away. You offer help and that you will be there if I need you. I need you. But you don't want to be there in the way that I need you to be. I want to just have the place alone to myself for one night so I can just get every little piece of me out of the apartment and just disappear. That way when you came home it would be like I wasn't even there and you could just move on and forget about me like you want me to do with you. But I can't. I just want o leave and disappear and curl up into a ball and forget the world exists. Withdraw from everything except for work and even then just do what I have to and get out to go back to my cave. Cut myself off from everyone and everything I care about. I can't even try to think about you with someone else. It hurts too much. I thought you wanted and loved me.... I'm sorry that I started this by not holding my temper when you were upset with me and I didn't know why. Maybe if I had we wouldn't be here. I tried to talk to you calmly and for a while I did. Yes my lashes were cruel and barbed and meant to hurt you. I was angry and in pain and upset. I still am but now I just can't stop crying and I don't really want to. The hurt is what is keeping me going but I don't know how long it will carry me for. I can't even be sure that I would open up again even if you lost your mind and decided you did want me back. There would always be the doubt in my mind that you were just doing it out of pity. Kinda like I still think you just gave me another chance the first time because I was crying and so upset and you wanted to calm me down. And yet I know that if you were to ask for me back I would coming running back in an instant. It was my birthday!
Oh so for everyone who sees this that doesn't see anything else I have, I'm engaged.
I got a job. Kings Soopers deli. Full time. Not my first choice but it is $9.14/hr and I get paid every week so it is a start. Still living with others, no place of my own yet. I am hoping that that will be remedied now that I am starting to have an income...
Students loans are over due. $550.62. Severly delinquent thus no deferment. no money to pay. can't go back to school. owe the school too much money that still can't pay. evals for camp were last week. got one of the 4 worst ones in camp. all 1s and 2s, with an occasional 3. spent most of the past week in tears. can't deal with these girls or women any more. pranks went to far, no patience left. don't know what I am gonna do. cell has been turned off.... not paid... no place to live when work ends in 2 weeks. kinda sucks..... I don't really want to be couch hopping but it looks like I am gonna. no job. no house. no money. guess I can't make it on my own like I thought.
|Mood:|| No more!|
Just a heads up. I am in facct now registered for school this fall... it happened this morning after much stress and running around and crying. Classes start monday... talk about last minute huh?
|Mood:|| Must kill something|
can't.... see... striaght..... so fucking pissed off I can't even begin to describe it... I am ready to throw everything of his out and tell him to fuck off....
The renn fest is your friend.. you should go.. and you should take me...*heart* to all
|Mood:|| I don't understand anymore|
Did ya ever have one of those nights that was supposed to be perfect but instead turned into something that makes you wish that you had the courage to slice your wrists and did at least make you drink heavily? Yeah that would be me tonight. It was the Wild Asperagus Ball and it was supposed to be fun and a joy and great. I was taking Treschelle and Kristen and Matt were both going to be there. Then Matt brought Aspen and every spiraled and crashed and I don't know what to do anymore. I am lost and confused and everything hurts and I just want to curl up and cry but know I can't. I came really close at the ball but wouldn't let myself and now I just feel sick. I hate this. Sorry to anyone who wanted a happy post and sorry to anyone who wanted pictures. I wasn't in any and none were taken of me and frankly as depressed as that makes me I am happy about it. I don't want photographic memories of this. I am going to go back to my vodka now...
|Mood:|| Bouncing off the walls!|
quick update for the first time in months...... I HAVE A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am working as a research/office assistant for the earthquake and wind engineering reserach department at CSU.... Congrats and happy dance to me!
Break is at hand and I am heading home to feed upon actual food and to work my butt off. And I am going to do my teacher observations as well. Call me if you are in brighton and want to come see me.
Pick ten to twenty songs. Give a line from the song, and have your friends list try to guess the song and artist. Don't just google them all!
1. Madness is the gift, that has been given to me.
2. I lent out my hand, said hello there would you like to dance and you said, yeah I'll try.
3. It was a haha this way, haha thata way, haha this away then oh then.
4. Call me a relic, call me what you will. Say Im old-fashioned, say Im over the hill
5. I'm floating on a lake - But upside down! And when I try to breathe, I start to drown!
6. Women are irrational, that's all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay and rags!
7. With a bit of a mind flip, you're there in the time slip
8. I will effect you I will protect you from all the crazy schemes
9. She never drinks the water and makes you order French Champagne once you've had a taste of her you'll never be the same
10. If you kiss me mister you must think I'm pretty, if you think so mister you must want to fuck me, if you fuck me mister it must mean you love me, if you love me mister you would never leave me, it's as simple as can be!
11. Those who don't try never look foolish
12. Elle me rappelle à la terre ferme Sur laquelle mes chevilles ont plié
13. I would take no for an answer just to know I heard You speak
14. My home lies deep within you and I've got my own place in your soul
15. And you breathing in finesse an innocent f32457rom her partying
16. If you wanna resist, it'll always persist. It'll take you to you limits if they truly exist
17. Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming the goddess of imaginary light
18. Je suis la et ailleurs
19. A babysitter here if she's got half a brain can make more money than the governor of Maine.
20. Those living for death will die by their own hand.
In 2007, psychefawn
Find a new buddhism.
Get back in contact with some old coffee shops.
Go walking three times a week.
Overcome my secret fear of cats.
Backup my disney regularly.
Give some costumes to charity.
I think I could actually do this!!!!
and this one too...
On the twelfth day of Christmas, psychefawn
sent to me...
Seven computers a-swimming
Six costumes a-walking
Three coffee shops
Two religious studies
...and a buddhism in a fanstasy.
wow look at me go, two posts in one month. I am home in Brighton bored out of my skull, watching red vs blue (which just makes me a nerd), killing time till I absolutely have to go and pack for my flight tonight. I miss Fort Collins a ton but I am looking forward to seeing Brandi and James.
This just goes to show how connecting swing dancing can actually be, or at least I think it does... I can't actually find the article but I was watching it on 9news today and it made me smile so I thought I would share it with my fellow dancers.
On December 6, 1941 there was a jitterbug dance competition in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. It was won by a 10 year old girl and a sailor who didn't know each other and left that night without ever learning the other's name. Pearl Harbor was bombed the next day. Both the girl and the sailor survived the attack. For the next 6 decades the women wondered what had become of her dance partner from that night. She wrote the story of the competition and submitted it to several veteran's magazines and eventually received a call. The man on the other end was the same sailor that had won the competition with her over 60 years earlier. They met up this year during the memorial in Pearl Harbor and danced together again. As it turns out, for about 40 years, the two lived less than 15 miles from each other in the San Deigo area.
|Mood:|| Eep! Performance tomorrow!|
yes I still exist. If anyone is in town (meaning fort collins) and not busy tomorrow (friday) night come to the
Swing Society's Annual Snowball Dance.
LSC Main Ballroom.
7:00 pm lessons with 23 Skidoo from Denver.
8:00 pm-11:00 pm dance with music by Easy Bill and the Big Beat.
9:30 pm performance by Blam! (including me!).
$6 students/$8 nonstudents
I am freaking out about it even though I know I will do fine. Come out and swing your hearts out and support the wonderfull world of swing dance.....
It is snowy and cold and Stelth and Rene, I am officailly jealous of you... Enjoy your trip.
hey I am actually updating... I just finished withdrawing from my astronomy class... I never go anyway so there was no way for me to pass it and 19 credits may have been a bad idea. I think I will try for chemistry in the spring...or I may just take it again then at a better time and when I can actually pay more attention on going to class and staying awake for it. I chose to drop it today so that I would have a "W" instead of just getting and "F"... the W won't mess up my GPA...
|Mood:|| Too much stuff not enough time|
I realize that I haven't updated in a while. It has been a busy busy busy week (well couple of weeks). I am finally having a slight (and I mean slight!) breather and what am I using it for? Trying to plan out the rest of my school career... I have a meeting next Tuesday to declare a second major. Philosophy. With a concentration in religion. Yep that is right. Li the religious philosopher historian.... what a well paying job that is going to get me. I am also trying to work out my classes so that I can get the ones I need to get my teaching license. I am thinking I am going to be taking between 19 and 23 credits every semester for the remainder of my school career and still have to be here for 5 and a half years at least.... gods the debt is going to be horrendious... yeah I still don't have a job... not for lack of applying and looking but rather for lack of marketable skills. I am also trying to in the next couple semesters work a study abroad in India... Watch me overextend and kill myself... oh well. Gah! I have class and am off.
|Mood:|| I am going to kill myself...|
energy drinks are my friend. I got up at noon yesterday and haven't been to bed since then. my roommate and I have a friend crashing at our place because we don't want him home alone because he is suicidal. I have 19 credit hours a week this semester. I have two papers due at noon today and I haven't really started either one of them and I have classes from 10 till 4 today. then I have BLAM... and watch me not make the team and be really depressed....Watch me live off of energy drinks then die...
|Mood:|| too much to do still!|
ah! class in 24 minutes! ah! so much to do still...... my computer is in limbo, I will explain more when I have more time. in fact, I will actually really update when I have more time....